Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Old News.

The oil leak from the BP platform that exploded last week is spreading havoc and having devastating global consequences. Although 11 people have died as a result of the explosion that of course is nothing compared to the total decimation of the shrimp population of the entire Gulf Coast, even though shrimp are fished from Tallahasee to Corpus Christie. Just think of all the shrimp dishes we will no longer be able to enjoy: shrimp poboys, shrimp etouffe, barbecue shrimp, shrimp a l'orange, shrimp parfait, shrimp milkshakes and shrimp icecream. Add to that the sliming of the poor pelican population and everyone can clearly see why there is cause for a major federal government intervention. In fact the president of the USA is going to fly over the slimy slick so he can see first hand the devastation from 33,000 feet and of course make a pronouncement as to why we should be using soy bean husks for energy instead of oil.

NASA scientists, the very same ones that crashed an $2 million telescope into a parked car last week in the Australian outback, have warned that the slick will spread beyond the mouth of the Mississippi river. In fact they say it will probably crawl upstream and slime the very city of New Orleans that has known so much devastation over the past years, to the point that TV producers have decided that every new TV show should be about New Orleans. The oil slick could thus reach the city shores and catch on fire, probably burning down that venerable historical 15 year old riverboat the Natchez. Why the thing is called the Natchez is anyones guess as it is anchored in the port of New Orleans, but who cares the fire will take care of that mystery once and for all. Countless tourists will die which will be another blow to the industry that feeds on the myth that everyone who comes to New Orleans will have a life changing experience. For once this will be a life changing experience for them and a final one at that. This will no doubt simply add to the aura of mystery and charm that so infuses the very atmosphere of New Orleans.

After that rampage the slick will spread east towards the coast of Florida where it will reach Key West killing every living thing in its path. This will spell the end of entire ecosystems from the coral reef to Margaritaville to gay bars. Countless Cuban and Haitian boat people will be slimed leading to a humanitarian disaster which will prompt the president to declare that any rescued boat people will automatically become American citizens and be given federal government desk jobs.

The slick will then slime the entire East Coast of the US, concentrating specifically on the blue states of Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York somehow miraculously skipping Georgia and Virginia. The oil tide will invade New York harbor sliming the statue of Liberty which will prompt world wide headlines of 'America Finally Gets It Due', ' The World's Slimer Gets Slimed', 'Land Of Liberty or Land Of Greedy Oil Bastards', etc...

Not content with endangering the entire US economy, that otherwise was just on the verge of a fantastic recovery, the slick will then migrate across the pond to slime the coasts of the political elite's favorite vacation destination, Western Europe. The UK (from now on pronounced 'uck') France and Spain will be forever soiled by the waste coming from America, which they will declare has been happening all along dating back to the invention of rock and roll (although the English will contend that rock and roll was invented in England but spoiled by Americans).

This will prompt the Euro block to blame the entire world wide recession and the polluting of the entire planet and of the moon, on America. Therefore requesting that America pay restitution to Europe for the irreparable mental and environmental harm done to its fauna, flora and psyche. With the money Europe will rebuild Greece to its former glory complete with nude Olympic games and re-instituted man-boy love.

The perfidious propagating petrochemical pollutant will make its way through the Straights of Gibraltar, from now on simply named the Straights of Tar, to invade the Mediterranean sea. Here in an unexpected twist the Black Tide will swamp the shores of the West Bank leaving completely untouched the hundred miles of adjacent Israeli beaches, sending the luminaries at the Untied Nations into a frenzy. They will make the obvious point that this is absolute proof of the conspiracy by America and Israel to deprive the Palestinians of their livelihood, namely tourism. For it is well known that international tourists flock to the pristine beaches of the West Bank to indulge in the ever so catchy trend of wearing topless burkas, whereby the head is covered yet the breasts are bare. From now on the taste of falafels will be forever spoiled by a heady tinge of sweet crude.

The untidy tide will then squeeze its way through the Suez Canal dumping into the Red Sea, now called the Maroon Sea. It will find its way to the east coast of Africa where it will be responsible for killing off countless species of endangered wildlife, including elephants, rhinos, gorillas, pygmies and the South African rugby team, heretofore named the Springboks.

Making its way to the west coast of Australia it will cause inflation to the price of seafood. Where before a pound of shrimp used to cost $25 it will now cost $125, prompting the labour government to offer a $100 coupon to anyone who buys a pound of shrimp, whereby the canny fish mongers will up the price to $225.

Further the unrelenting river of ruin will meander through the rest of the Pacific decimating nations as far afield as Japan, the Philippines, Tonga and Tahiti, finally resting at Rapa Nui, otherwise know as Easter Island. There, after killing off Darwin's fascinating boobies and other countless lizards, it will catch fire in a gigantic conflagration that will melt the mysterious giant carved heads. This will start off a chain of events of cosmic proportions as it will be discovered that the heads were built there millions of years ago by a friendly alien race to balance the Earth on its axis, by serving as a counterweight to the magnetic North Pole.

The Earth will then fall off its axis and spin freely into space, first bumping into the moon and then careening off towards Alpha Centauri. The atmosphere will freeze due to the ever increasing distance from the Sun but not before the Earth gets pounded by giant asteroids sent by enemy aliens based on Pluto who feared an attack. For it will be found out, too late but nevertheless, that Pluto always was a planet but the aliens were using a clever cloaking device to hide the fact that it was their home base.